


The second attempt.

by Haru Niki (HaruNiki)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Tony Stark, Recovery, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:33:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29382804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaruNiki/pseuds/Haru%20Niki
Summary: Steve Rogers has a lot of things to deal with after he wakes up in the 21st century.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	The second attempt.

It happened a little while after the chitauri invasion. Steve went on a journey around the country to get a well deserved vacation after the whole being defrosted and fighting aliens thing. He thought that visiting different places would clear his mind and make the ache in his chest a little more bearable but instead what happened was that every new town and city made him feel more lonely than the last so he decided to go back to the tower. 

He didn't feel comfortable there either. Even though he fought and bled beside those people he couldn't help but feel that he was living around strangers who didn't care about much but themselves. Like they were the same individuals that got on the SHIELD ship. Like they were never a team and what happened after Coulson's death was just a heat of the moment. 

Steve didn't leave his floor unless it was for his morning run: He didn't eat with the others, he didn't watch films or do anything with them. He just didn't feel like his place.

One day he came back from his run half an hour later than usual and that's when he heard them.

" _ If he were to disappear one day I don't think we would notice." _

This wasn't any news to Steve but for some reason it hurt just the same.

Steve was tired, he was lonely, every day getting up, showering and eating felt like a monumental task. And, to be honest, what was the point? He's roommates didn't care about him and all the people he held dear were dead. There was nothing and no one waiting for him outside of his room. There was nothing for him anymore. 

One night he dreamt with him. He saw his blue eyes sparkling with joy while singing along with the radio, he saw his bright smile when he saw him draw, he saw the elegant way his hips moved with the music, he heard the scream and he felt, he saw those blue eyes flooded by fear, he saw nothing but snow.

He woke up crying and shaking, cold sweat down his spine. He couldn't take it anymore. He needed all to stop.

The last time he tried this it didn't work but this time he was going to do it right. If crashing into freezing water didn't do it then a bullet surely would work. 

He didn't need to write any letter because there wouldn't be anyone to read it. 

He put on some sweatpants and a t-shirt, took the stairs and walked silently to the armory. Took a random gun. Any gun would do the job just fine, right? He took one bullet and walked back to his room just as silent. 

He moved the one person couch to the window and took his compass with him. Inside there was Peggy's picture but that was just a distraction. His true love was behind it so he took the real picture. The real person his heart beat for every day. He saw his beautiful face one more and, even if the picture was black and white, he could almost imagine the blue of his eyes.

" _ I'm so sorry, Buck."-  _ Steve whispered and tears fell one by one from his hollow eyes  _ "I'm sorry."  _ He loaded the gun and pointed it to his temple, his breath shook with every passing second. He needed to get over the fear and pulled the trigger and then he would be free. No more pain, no more loneliness, no more nightmares, no more guilt. Maybe he could even see his love again. 

And then he heard the door of the elevator opening. 

_ "Go away"  _ Steve said 

"We won't do that" They said 

He didn't let go of the weapon but he was visibly shaking with anxiety. Natasha was the one who slowly took it from him. She was crouched in front of him but his eyes wouldn't see her. He was numb. 

Tony put his hand on his back, trying to be of comfort.

_ "Why?" _ Tony asked

" _ Why? You ask why?"  _ Steve answered with rage " _ Because everyone's dead!, Because I don't belong here! Because there's nothing here anymore! Because you wouldn't notice if I disappear"  _ He shouted " _ Because it didn't work the first time...because he is dead"  _ he said under his breath

Steve looked incredibly young while he cried. The weight of a war and the loss of everything was too much for the shoulders of a 24 year old veteran. Even if said veteran was both 24 and 95 years old at the same time. 

_ "I know we can't replace all the people you lost. We don't want to either. But we are your friend, we care about you, we don't want you to go this way, we want to help you. Most of us have been where you are. Most of us also struggle with depression and PTSD. We can help, let us help"  _ Tony said

Steve looked at Tony and Natasha for the first time since they entered his room and he saw true worry and sincerity in their eyes. And, at that moment, there was something in him that lit up again, it was hope. Maybe things wouldn't be the same but maybe they could be okay again.

  
  
  



End file.
